Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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