When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
