PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize