but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
