I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
