I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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