I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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