My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
