I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
