I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
