My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
