So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize