my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
