Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
