just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
