AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
