As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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