So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
