Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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