Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
