I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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