I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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