No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
