U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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