Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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