I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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