Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
