Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
