Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
...so i touched it.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
