I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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