you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
