i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
