I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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