you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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