I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize