I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
