My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
