i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
