there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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