Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
