So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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