If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
