There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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