Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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