Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
