the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
