I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
