I will die if light touches me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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