think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
