Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Someone signed my nipple.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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