What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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