what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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