the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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