What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
