I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
