I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
