dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
