i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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