you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What a dumb baby whore.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
